The doctors came in this morning and the first thing the specialist said
to me was "
Well done Nadia! You did very well. It has been 8 weeks
already." I smiled and thought to myself, All Praises to God Almighty
for granting us both the strength to survive this long. :)
I would like to share with you the story so far and will try to keep it
is as short as I possibly can and spare the minute details.
The Gift
Rewind back to the Wednesday night of 15th August 2012, 4 days before
Eid al-Fitr on 19th August 2012.
When I went for umrah in June this year (
True Love : Part 1 : Unworthy Me), among the many other things I prayed for, I prayed to God every single day asking him to grant me with a
'zuriat' if it will bring me closer to His Love and if I am ready for
motherhood. To be honest, before I went for umrah, even though I have
been married for 2 years I felt I was never ready to become a mother as
it entails so much responsibility and I was very career minded, among
the many other reasons I made for myself.
That Wednesday night, exactly 8 weeks after I came back from my umrah
trip, I found out I was pregnant. Both my husband and I were overwhelmed
with contentment. God answered our prayers. Syukur. :) We were nervous
of what's coming but at the same time extremely excited. The next day it
was confirmed by the doctor that I was already 6 weeks pregnant.
During the whole of my first trimester, my morning sickness was really
bad. And no, it wasn't only in the mornings, it drags through the whole
day. There were times that I vomitted at least 3 times a day. There were
days I had to work from home as I couldn't get up at all. However, I
was told that it is very normal for pregnant ladies especially in the
first trimester. I lost a few kgs due to the vomitting and became really
skinny and at one point I had to be admitted to a hospital and be fed by drips
as I couldn't eat or drink anything for a few weeks. It was something
new to me as I have always been a workaholic, have lots of energy and
never had trouble eating. However, I always comforted myself, because in
the end it will all be worth it and I will forget all that has happened
once my baby is born and get the chance to hold my baby for the first
time, God-willing. The sickness died down slowly when I entered my
fourth month and I was happy that I could eat like I usually did before I
got pregnant. I am a really big-eater :)
The Unexpected
Then 8 weeks ago, on the Friday night of 26th of October 2012 (at 16 weeks), I
'
peed' in my pants. Well, I thought I peed. My husband and I even
laughed at the situation because we thought it was one of those funny
moments you always read about, that pregnant ladies having problems
controlling their bladder, was happening to me. I felt tired the next
day and I rested at home with my husband the whole day. I did not visit
any of my relatives at all even though it was
Eid al-Adha. That weekend I
had urgent work to be settled at the office, so I came in the office to
work on both Saturday and Sunday from morning till nighttime. It was
nothing unusual and I had all the energy at that time.
On that fateful Tuesday morning the 30th of October 2012, my husband and
I were very excited to go for our monthly appointment with our gynae to
see our baby. Especially since the last time we went for the ultrasound
the previous month, our baby actually summersaulted, waved to the
camera and happily swam in the water sac. The baby was so hyperactive
even the gynae was surprised. The baby's movements were something we
couldn't get out of our minds although it didn't cross our minds to
record our baby's movements that day. We were also extra excited that
Tuesday because we were told that we might be able to see the gender of
our baby since our baby had reached four months. While the ultrasound
was being done, we waited excitedly and impatiently for the baby to move
about to reveal the gender. Surprisingly, our baby was very still. The
baby wasn't moving at all which was very peculiar, unlike the last scan,
and we couldn't see him clearly. Still, we thought the baby was just
sleeping.
However, our doctor seemed worried. I didn't understand why. After a
long while, the first question she asked me was "Did you bleed?" I was
taken aback and felt that the question was ridiculous. "Of course not", I
answered, cheerfully and happily. I thought to myself, my pregnancy so
far was perfectly normal, Alhamdulillah, so why would I bleed? She then
asked me whether I leaked any fluid. Then I recalled what happened the
Friday before and informed her. She asked me why I didn't go to the
emergency of the hospital straight away when it happened. I explained to
her that all of the doctors we had seen only warned us to go to the
hospital straight away if there was any bleeding but did not mention
anything about any leaking. This is because it does not usually happen.
Being first-time parents, we weren't aware of what the leaking meant.
Even though I knew that normally, the water would break before labour,
it never occurred to me that what had happened on that Friday was
actually the amniotic fluid leaking. We really thought it was '
pee'. The
doctor had a very worried look on her face, but she told us to come the
next day as she wanted to do some tests. She explained that at the
moment, the amniotic fluid is almost non-existent in the water sac but
she's unable to confirm what has happened until she can do some tests.
At the end of the consultation, she told me not to worry just yet.
After the check-up, I went straight to the office. My principal partner
was very surprised that I came into the office after I had the chance to
tell him what happened and told me to leave the office straight away as
I should be resting at home with my husband. I went home after a
few hours as I tried to finish up some work and answer calls from
clients. I had work to be settled but at the same time I was losing my
focus. I guess at that time, I really didn't understand or was in denial
of what was happening. I refused to believe my situation was anything
bad. Even though I was emotionally vulnerable, I tried my best to be
positive amidst the mixture of emotions. I just drank lots of water as
advised by the doctor to see whether the fluids would return before
seeing her the next day. I remember my cousin also had low amniotic
fluid throughout her pregnancy so I tried my very best to remain
positive.
My husband and I started to google up some information on the situation.
I remember one of the first things I googled was "water broke at 16
weeks". That night I told my parents of what might have happened and
broke down when doing so but my dad reminded me to "just have faith and
take one step at a time". At that time, nothing was confirmed yet.
The Heart Breaking Moment
The next day, my husband and I went for our scheduled follow-up
appointment. My dad was there too. I was extremely nervous but tried my
best not to show it. After the ultrasound, my usually very excited,
cheerful and friendly gynae had the most serious face which I've never
seen before. I tried to contain my emotions. Whatever she was about to
tell me could not have been anything good.
She begun by saying "It is not easy for me to break the news to you".
She confirmed that there was no amniotic fluid in the sac at all. She
told me that it could be because of my leak on Friday BUT it could also
be because the baby's kidney and bladder were not fully developed which
would mean that the baby is abnormally formed. She was uncertain because
without the fluid it was very hard to see with the normal ultrasound
machine.
In an instant, from a perfectly normal and smooth pregnancy,
it turned out to be a complicated and high-risk pregnancy. She was going
to refer me to a super specialist because this was beyond her area of
expertise. The conclusion that I gathered was that
when the amniotic fluid is so low at a very early stage in the
pregnancy, the outcome is usually not good for both the baby and mother.
However, she told me to seek as many second opinions as I could,
because normally in rare situations like these, the baby's outlook is
not very good and there was little hope for the baby to survive. Apart
from that, there are a lot of risks involved to both mother and child so
the situation might lead the doctors to normally suggest 'termination' (God
forbid! Nauzubillah). Hearing that word alone brought me to tears that
was so hard for me to fight. It was heart breaking, I couldn't control
my tears from falling.
My dad immediately secured an appointment for me to see another doctor
right away. I later learned that the Professor is a very experienced
perinatologist/feto-maternal medicine specialist which means that he
specializes in assessment & management of high-risk pregnancies,
assessment of fetal growth & well being, maintenance of fetal health
and the diagnosis of fetal illnesses & abnormalities. Both of my
parents, husband and I went from one hospital to the other immediately.
For me, it was the longest ride ever. Upon meeting the Professor, he
advised me to be warded instantly as most mothers go into labour within
72 hours of their water sac breaking. I was also told that the longer I
carry the baby inside me with the water sac still broken, the higher the
risk of infection which could be fatal to me, so they needed me to be
warded so that they could monitor me for that infection
(sepsis/septicemia) and any other signs of giving birth.
Reflecting back, it was already a miracle that I didn't go into labour
by then. However, even though my family told me to follow the Prof's
advice, it was all just too much for me to take in at once and I refused
to be warded straightaway. I was too heart broken because just a few
days before, everything was going so well and all I expected to see when
I went to visit the gynae was the gender of my baby. All of a sudden,
my world came crashing down. Only God knows how I felt. God knows best.
My Birthday : The Best Gift : Hope for My Child to Survive
After a calm and quiet night at home with my family and some of my
closest friends visiting, I was persuaded to be warded the next day, on
the 1st of November 2012, which was my birthday. Alhamdulilllah, I
received my first bit of good news when a detailed scan of our baby
showed that the baby does have functioning kidneys and bladder, so there
was nothing wrong with the baby. The lack of fluids must have been
caused by what is called Preterm
Premature Rupture of Membranes (PPROM), a condition whereby the membrane
rupture occurs before 37 weeks of pregnancy i.e. : water broke early
(
pecah air ketuban). In my case, extremely early. PPROM at 16 weeks. The doctors aren't able to say what caused it.
Once I was warded, I knew and finally realized that my situation was
very critical and that any help would be beyond the realms of medicine
and man as the doctors could not do anything except to wait and observe
my condition. They told me I can only pray that the membranes of the sac
re-seals itself as medically there was nothing the doctors and the
current technology could do to seal it back. Only God knows what is
actually happening in a female's womb (
Surah Ar-Rad:8). I knew that only
the Almighty God could help and that was when I decided to share my
story and ask for prayers from my family, friends and people who know
me. There and then on my birthday we decided to name our baby Jibrael
so that we could talk to our child, even without knowing the gender of
the baby. After all, angels are genderless :)
The Story So Far
I have been confined to strict bedrest as I am still leaking and any
movements I make will accelerate the leaking of the amniotic fluid. So
far my Amniotic Fluid Index (AFI) has always been between 1-4 only (the
normal amount is between 10-15). Being confined to strict bedrest is a
bit of a challenge and a huge adjustment as I am a very 'hyperactive'
person. I am always out and about working or meeting people and don't
usually like to rest or stay at home (
tak boleh duduk diam).
The doctors and the nurses have been constantly monitoring me for any
other signs of labour or the infection which would be fatal to me. And
of course, they are monitoring the growth and well-being of Jibrael,
although from the very beginning, they are mostly concerned about my
health first and foremost. Formally, I was admitted for 'threatened
miscarriage' since my admission was when I was only at my 16th week. I
only realized this fact a few weeks after I was admitted. This is
because, the doctors say that in Malaysia they will only consider the
baby viable to be saved ie have a chance of survival after 26 weeks, and
at least after the baby has weighed 500 grams (I was told that in the
UK or US viability is earlier, at 22 weeks). Harsh, but anything less
they consider as abortion or miscarriage. So at the earlier stages as
much as I only want to save Jibrael, the team of doctors were mainly
concerned about my health.
Jibrael and I have both been struggling every day to make sure that
Jibrael survives this. Every day is another battle for us. Every day is
another struggle. Jibrael has been very strong, because once the water
sac breaks, the body will try and push the baby out. It breaks my heart
every time I see how hard it is for Jibrael to be in a fluidless sac
through the detailed scan as it is very cramped and hard to move in
there. So for Jibrael to make it this far, shows how much strength this
little fighting miracle baby of mine has :) I am proud that my little
angel is fighting hard. I am thankful for all the prayers that I have
received so far. All Praises to the Almighty Creator for granting
Jibrael the strength to stay put and hold on this long. After all, all
might and strength comes from Him alone.
Day 50: 20.12.2012
Fast forward to today, after 56 days of the water sac rupturing and 50
days of being in the hospital there has simply been too much that has
happened to me every single day. We don't know what is going to happen
next. Everything is unpredictable and uncertain. I wish I could have
documented everything that has happened daily but it has been really
tough. I feel that it has been ages since I was first admitted as too
many things have happened but at the same time I couldn't believe it has
already been 50 days. God is Great.
Allahuakbar.
One of the things some people said
to me even when it was only my first week in the hospital, "
You must be
really bored being alone in the hospital for so long". My answer has
always been the same, "
I have never been bored". If you are fighting for
your child's life every single day, with uncontrollable and
unexpected things keep on happening physically and emotionally how can
you ever be bored? Plus, being alone most of the time especially, your
mind doesn't stop thinking and your emotions doesn't stop feeling and you feel all kinds of things. I never stopped praying. My first 30 days especially, I couldn't even rest. Even at night. But then again, I myself would not have understood what I've been through so far if I myself didn't actually go through it.
It has truly been a roller-coaster journey full of topsy-turvy ups and
downs. It hasn't been easy. I thought the hardest thing would be being
forced to be on bedrest and being separated from my husband but I've
experienced unexpected contractions, bleeding, vomiting and medically
unexplainable pain among other things. I have been on drips so many
times and blood is taken from me at least twice a week that at one point
all my veins were swollen and clogged and the doctors ran out of veins
to inject. I even passed out in the washroom once and was unconscious
till the next day due to a severe reaction to
a painkiller usually used during childbirth (pethidine) because my body
couldn't take it and I couldn't remember what happened the whole day. I
only got to know how worried everyone was once my husband told me what had happened when I
was conscious the next day and was stable. My face was pale and colourless, they said. They had to put me on drips
and force oxygen into me. I know I have to stay strong for Jibrael and
that is what I have been trying to do since day one but it is sometimes
easier said than done when physically there are times that my body
couldn't play its part. Moreover, I am only human.
As much as I always try to be positive, there is always a fear of
uncertainty creeping on my mind about what is going to happen the next
hour, sometimes even the next minute. Sometimes I fear going to the
washroom because I do not know what is going to happen to me or Jibrael.
At times, I try to hide that I am in pain or if I see any unusual things
happening because of the fear of what the doctors are going to say when
I tell them. It can be terrifying not knowing what certain things mean.
I have to constantly remind myself that the Creator knows best and
plans for the best for us. It is a constant struggle for me to remain
positive every day.
My Support System
I am blessed to have received plenty of help and support from my
wonderful family and relatives. My life support system. It goes without
saying but Jibrael and I couldn't have gone through this without my
husband Abdullah Khubayb aka @kneok doing this together with us. But, of course. :) My mother has
pushed herself beyond her limits to take care of me at the hospital. If
it wasn't for my dad, I would not have been here in the first place as
he was the one who secured that first appointment with the
perinatolagist on my birthday. My parents in law have also visited me almost every day and have given me a lot of spiritual support too. My family has been my pillar and strength
since forever but it is even more evident during this trying time.
Friends have also helped a lot in so many different ways. Blessed to
have true friends who really care in times of need and hardship. Also blessed to have received various valuable life lessons which I couldn't have learnt any other way through the experience so far and sometimes even from random concerned strangers.
I am also grateful for the team of specialists, doctors and nurses
caring for me as they are highly skilled, but most importantly they are
good people and very supportive. In fact, even though my condition is
actually negative in so many ways my feto-maternal specialist was the
one who told me at the very beginning to just be positive as my feelings
and emotions would affect my baby. He also reminded me to always take
one step at a time so that I won't be overwhelmed. The team of
specialists and doctors are all very helpful in helping me slowly digest
what was happening to me as time goes by. I am blessed to be in a university
or research based hospital.
Apart from all the support I have received, from the very beginning I
knew I had to get myself educated regarding my situation so I have been reading
articles given to me by my specialist on the possible risks and
complications if the baby were to survive and at the same time googling
on similar PPROM cases to mine. I found a website of 'PPROM support
group' (
http://www.inkan.se/pprom/)
which is very helpful. I read almost all survival stories of those
mothers whose water broke between 15-17 weeks. I also found a facebook
page where both mothers whose babies survived
PPROM and those who unfortunately lost theirs in their struggle shared their stories with the rest of us. Going
through the pages reminds me again that there is hope, as PPROM cases are
very individualistic in nature, miracles do happen and most
importantly, I am Jibrael's main advocate. I am the closest to Jibrael
and only I can defend Jibrael's rights to live as long as possible,
God-willing.
Every day that Jibrael's heart is beating strong inside me has been a
miracle, with God's Will and Grace. Jibrael is very strong surviving and
even growing til today. Tomorrow Jibrael will turn 24 weeks young. I
have been looking forward to every Friday :) Hearing the baby's
heartbeat is undoubtedly my daily highlight since Day 1. And since the
18th week, Jibrael has been actively moving about and treating me as a
punching bag. Jibrael's movements has sometimes woken me up from sleep
because I can feel it really strong even though Jibrael can't move full
force like other babies with normal amount of amniotic fluid in the sac.
The movements can also be very ticklish at certain parts and sometimes
even made me laugh to myself in the middle of the night. I was quite
embarrassed when different patients next to my bed could hear that I was
laughing alone all by myself. But it is uncontrollable because my body
is the sensitive and ticklish type. With minimal fluids inside the sac, I
have been able to feel Jibrael's active and slightest movements even
more and earlier than most other moms. It is one of the most wonderful
feelings ever to know that your child is inside you and feel your baby
moving actively inside you. Sometimes I just cry
at how beautiful the feeling is. All Praises to the Creator for
creating us human beings in such a beautiful way. Amazing. MasyaAllah.
Truth be told, in my first night in the hospital I was very weak and was
afraid to be alone, especially during this trying time. But my husband
reminded me that I wasn't alone. I have Jibrael to accompany me :) Also,
God is always with us. We are never alone. I am grateful to God for
blessing me with this feeling of being able to feel the love of a mother
to a child. I would never have imagined this beautiful feeling. Now I
understand when they say a mother's love is unconditional. You really
would want to do anything for your child. Not once have I ever thought
of giving up on Jibrael. From Day 1, all I have been thinking about is
to save Jibrael in any way that I can even if it means risking my life.
But I also have to remind myself that God will ultimately decide what is
best for the both of us. Today, I am thankful to God for every moment
He allows Jibrael to live inside me. Alhamdulillah that Jibrael has made
it this far, 8 weeks after the water broke. Miraculous are the powers of the
Almighty Creator.
Thank you for all your tremendous support and prayers which I have
received from family, friends and instagram, twitter and facebook
friends. Reading your well-wishes and messages have really helped me in
many ways to get through this tough ordeal so far. It has given me
further emotional and moral support to face this challenge. Only God can
reward your kindness and generosity for your support and prayers. I
pray that God will reward you abundantly in this temporary world and the
Afterlife.
With Every Hardship There is Ease
I keep holding on to this promise. May He determine what is best for us as Jibrael's life and my death has
been preordained. It's been really tough when clinically and medically
the situation is very negative but I have to try my best to stay
positive to keep up J's spirits. We sometimes take life for granted when it is actually not easy to live.
Many more out there struggling and fighting for life. Let us all be
thankful every single day for the best gift that our Creator has blessed
us with : This life to prepare us for the Eternal Life. This temporary
world that we are living in is just one big test. Tests will keep on
coming in different forms to different people at different times,
harships or ease.
We try our best to be patient during hardships and
always try to remember that when we are at ease, it is God that has made
it easy for us. Kesusahan dan kesenangan. He won't test us beyond what
we can bear. May we all pass His tests for us.
May God strengthen our patience & increase our faith. May all His
trials and tribulations which He has planned immaculately for us bring
us closer to His Love and blessings in this world and the Hereafter.
Please increase our dependence on You. Tingkatkanlah kehambaan kami, Ya
Allah.
Amin.
To all the ladies who are reading
this blogpost of mine, mothers, mommy-to-bes and those who are trying to
have a child, I know it is only the beginning for me. I am still taking
baby steps towards motherhood.
Only God knows the struggles that you have to go through and the
sacrifices that you have to make while trying to get pregnant, being
pregnant and raising your child. Being in the O&G ward, I have seen
different mothers from different walks of life with different struggles,
pains and problems. Initially, I even felt like I was watching a live
reality tv show! It is amazing to see what mothers are willing to do
for their child. I salute all of you. :)
If you have read this post, would appreciate it you could leave your thoughts, comments, prayers or anything at all
below.
Or maybe share with me your own experiences or any similar
stories you've heard as I am such a newbie especially to motherhood :)
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Day 34
4.12.12 |
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Day 42
12.12.12 |
